Ok I think I'm ready...

     A while ago, I wrote a about feeling like I was watching our hopes and, dreams of joining Airforce slip away. I can tell you tonight that dream is still very much alive but, that for time being it's going to be put on hold. M left for BMT March 7th. He was recycled Easter weekend, for failing to complete a PT test. They moved him to another flight and, he was doing great we both really thought he had it in the bag. Then, the Monday before he was set to graduate he failed the PT test again. This time, he was sent to the get fit flight he proceeded to work his butt off and, try to pass the PT test every Tuesday. Every week it was same thing, one failed PT test after another.
     This Tuesday, the conversation was different, ALOT different. We said our hellos as usual, I asked "How are you?" M said "I'm good, I'm coming home." After almost 4 months of BMT, M is finally coming home. He is not graduating, He will not be an Airman, We will not be military. Not right now at least.
     Here's where it gets interesting. I already knew M was coming home.Friday night (the 15th) at almost 1 am, I got a text from my awesome, wonderful, loving friend in Georgia . Her son had just gotten home from BMT as well. She said "My son "Chess" just said that he saw M with an orange armband on Thursday." After, much conversation with both Georgia and Chess; I came to the conclusion that "yes this was the truth M had finally failed BMT and, was coming home."
      I'm SO grateful that she called and told me. I know how much she hesitated but, truthfully I'm grateful that she was strong enough to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Not only to tell me but, to TRULY support me as I grieved. That is a TRUE friend. Because, I had known since Friday I was able to stand strong as my husband told me the bad news. I was able to be excited that we get to see him again.
      I have cried and I am crying as I write this. The emotions of failure are still very raw to both of us. However, we are VERY excited to see each other again. I also know that he is SUPER DUPER excited to see P & Q again. The only news better than the fact that we get to be together again is this.. are you ready I think you're gonna be surprised... in 6 months M can go back and, try BMT again. So Dear Flight Crew that is exactly what we're going to do!
      We are both going to exercise our hearts out and, get in shape. So extremely awesomely in shape that M will be able to pass the PT test on the very first day of BMT. That's right we're giving this our all and, we're going to make this dream a reality. I hope you'll stay with us for the ride. I know it just got a little more crazy but, I think it's going to be a GREAT journey. I'll keep you updated on our exercise progress and, then when M heads back to BMT, I will of course once again keep you posted. It's going to be fun and really hard all at the same time. Any of you exercise gurus out there send me your tips cause, we're gonna need the big guns.Are you ready for our new chapter? "Real PT Starts NOW!"

Staring into darkness

(Fair warning this is a LONG post.)

      M called yesterday. He took another PT test and, didn't pass again. I could tell you all the possible reasons that we have for him not passing but, in the end it all comes down to one thing.... He still hasn't passed the test. I'm trying really hard to stay positive. I keep telling myself that God has a plan, and we just need to figure out what it is. I'm praying as are MANY others, that M will pass this test and, FINALLY graduate. I don't know what lies ahead but, I have faith that my Father in Heaven will guide me to where I'm supposed to be.
      I look around at this new life style that might be over before, we even have a chance to adapt to it.  The boys and I went on base yesterday to do some grocery shopping. The whole time I just kept thinking, this is supposed to be our life. It just fits us. Who knows maybe I'm just crazy and, all of those feelings are just me feeling like a proud American to be standing on a military base. Then, I come home and look at the photos of M in his uniform with his big goofy grin. He's SO happy, this new job has made him happier than any other job he's ever held. For the first time, I can pay bills, buy groceries and, still have extra money.
      I know that being military is not ideal. There are trainings, and deployments; all of which means LOTS of time apart. Yet, I still look at this life and say proudly, "YES this is what we want and this is where we belong." However, as the days continue to pass by without progress I'm starting to wonder if, the answer to my prayers is "No".  We have only a few more weeks until he's discharged for failure to be physically able to complete training. I feel like I'm staring into darkness.
      Thankfully, some light was shined into the darkness last night. At about 7:15 there was a knock at my door I figured it was just Grandma coming to chat. Instead, I opened the door to find my Bishop and, Brother F (his counselor) standing in my door way. (Brother F is retired military.) They asked "Are you ok with a drop by visit?", I told them "if you can overlook the mess you're more than welcome to come in." They of course laughed and came in. I'm SO very glad they did. We talked about M and how he's doing, talked about how our family is doing over all. Then, Brother F shared some stories of his days at BMT and, gave me two pieces of advice for Hubby. The first was "just get out there, do your very best, don't push yourself on the parts you're good, at just push on the hard parts." The second was "if he gets discharged follow the don't ask, don't tell policy for the rest of your life. When the people ask about your military career, just say I gave it my all as long as I was enlisted, now I'm here trying to use those skills to better this company and take care of my family. If they don't ask why you're discharged, don't tell them."
      I know they were prompted to come visit us and, I'm grateful that they followed that prompting. It has not been all sunshine since they left but, things certainly are brighter. The prayer they left with filled my heart with peace. It reminded me that all of this will be over soon either way and, that what ever happens will be for our good. Please pray for M and our family...

Just when I need it most

     A letter came today! I love that it seems to always come on the day when I need it the most. M writes about the weather and, how crazy it has been. One day it was 112 degrees he said, they were literally sweating through their ABU's (yucky). The next day it was a crazy lightening storm so bad, that they couldn't even be outside. After 10 weeks of BMT, he says he might even kinda miss it. Don't worry though, he is really pushing himself to get these situps done and graduate. He wrote, "I will see you at graduation even if I have to kill myself to do it." Sounds to me like M is really motivated to do this. On a side note Congratulations to all the AB's that became AIRMAN today; especially the guys in Flights 349 & 350!! Way to Go Airman!!!

Small things that mean so much

     A letter came in the mail today from my handsome Hubby! I don't know if he planned it this way but, I love that it came today of all the other possible days. For those of you who don't know M's old FLT group graduates today. So, the fact this letter showed up today and, that it says all the awesome loving things that it does REALLY means a lot to me. While, I am excited for all of those Airmen (Wahoo!!!) and their families. Part of me is sad because, we aren't there celebrating with them. Also, I don't get to meet all of my awesome friends who really helped me make it through this whole journey. (I'm sure I've got some friends who can relate. Love you ladies. Don't worry we'll be at graduation soon!) Congratulations Flights 317 & 318 We love you and wish you the best as you "cross into the blue"!! 
     With that said I won't be detailing this letter as much as I normally do. M wrote a lot about sacred thoughts and, moments that pass through his mind as a husband who is away from his family.  (Nothing dirty I promise and, yes he made me cry. Good tears of course.) I will share one thing though M writes "When I'm struggling at times I think of our family then, I overcome it and do better I love you C ." I'm so glad that we are what carries him through.
      He is getting very excited for graduation (as am I). He told me to get to the coin ceremony early; going so far as to detail where to sit in the bleachers :) He must have been really excited for BEAST week cause, he was packed and ready for it on Saturday; I know for a fact they didn't leave til Monday morning lol. Oh how I love that silly man. I'm so grateful for his letters and, calls that keep me motivated. Only a few more weeks till this is all over and, we can move on to tech school!

**DON'T FORGET TO ENTER THE DRAWING !!**